[Lorelai's having Rory]
Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.
Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?
Nurse: What?
Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.
Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.
Rory: Do something to make me hate you!
Lorelai: Um, go Hitler?
[turns to Rory and says sarcastically]
Jess: So Courtney, what about you?
Sookie: [petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!
Paris: Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.
Madline: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.
Louise: She was being sarcastic.
Madline: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.
Michel: [about Paris] She's back! She's coming back!
Lorelai: What? Why?
Michel: I don't know - maybe she forgot her phone, or her spell book, or something.
Zach: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
Brian: What?
Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing.
Brian: I think it's a wall.
Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.
Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.
Zach: [singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see.
Mrs. Kim: Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.
Brian: Was she looking at me?
Zach: She wasn't looking at me, dude.
Lorelai: Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play.
Zach: Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly.
Dave: Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome.
Zach: But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs?
Lorelai: Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name - Dave - you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.
Zach: Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool.
Brian: It's nothing to hide.
Zach: Christians can still rock.
Dave: They can?
Lane: Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it.
Zach: Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists.
Dave: Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.
Brian: Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool.
Dave: Great. Thanks, guys.
Zach: But no way are we playing Creed, man.
Dave: Oh, no, of course not.
Zach: Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line.
Zach: Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song.
Brian: I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it.
Zach: Well, it's throwing me off.
Lane: Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three...
Zach: Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?
Dave: Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in a while, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue.
Lane: Sure, we could do that.
Dave: Plus, I missed you.
Lane: You did? You missed me?
Dave: Well, yeah. Did you miss me?
Lane: Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you.
Dave: Glad and relieved to hear it.
Dave: Thank you. You know, my parents would love these sandwiches. I wish I could bring 'em by but unfortunately they're in private bible study right now.
Zach: Whoa, cool.
Dave: We all finished at the same time.
Lane: That has never happened.
Brian: The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.
Dave: Yeah, it sounded good.
Rory: Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.
Dave: Thanks.
Zach: Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.
Brian: I got as close as I had to.
Zach: Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.
Dave: You're drunk.
Lane: No, I'm... am I?
Dave: We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?
Lane: Oh, I can hit the sticks on those brums.
Dave: Great, great, but what about the drums?
Dave: Wow, you run really quiet.
Lane: Sorry, I'm sorry about everything.
Dave: What?
Lane: The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break.
Dave: It's okay.
Lane: Your hands must be dead.
Dave: They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that?
Lane: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
Rory: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
Lane: Definitely thought up by a man.
Rory: My mom said that when she told me where babies come from.
Lane: My mom still hasn't told me.
Rory: Really?
Lane: When my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.
Rory: I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want.
Lane: No thanks, I've picked it up off the streets.
Rory: So I was thinking that maybe we could move it from this Saturday to next Saturday?
Paris: Okay.
Madline: What did she say?
Louise: What did you say?
Paris: I said okay.
[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in]
Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.
[on phone]
Lorelai: Hey Mom!
Emily: Well, hello.
Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
Emily: No, she did not.
Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
Emily: Well, good for you.
Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
Emily: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
Emily: This is ridiculous.
Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
Emily: All right.
Lorelai: Start measuring.
[hangs up]
Rory: You feel better now?
Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.
Brian: [discussing names for the band] How about "The We"?
Zach: We?
Brian: Yeah. We are "The We."
Zach: I can't talk about this anymore.
Lorelai: I love my little circus freak.
Rory: Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
Lane: Hi.
Dave Rygalski: Hi, and hi.
Lane: Uh, this will not be the mental image you carry around of me the rest of the week.
Dave Rygalski: No, it won't. Hold on, I just saw the back. Yes, it will.
Lorelai: I love ranting Luke.
Dave Rygalski: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
Dave Rygalski: [Mrs. Kim doesnt say anything] Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
Mrs. Kim: Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.
Dave Rygalski: Okay, thank you.
Dave Rygalski: [Dave and Lane walk outside] Did you hear what she said?
Lane: Yes, I did.
Dave Rygalski: What did it mean?
Lane: I don't know.
Dave Rygalski: Was it a yes, was it a no?
Lane: I'm not sure.
Dave Rygalski: Well, it's gotta be from the bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.
Zach: Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.
Brian: I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?
Brian: Shut up, Brian.
Gil: Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.
Zach: Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.
Gil: We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.
Zach: Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.
Brian: I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.
Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here
[points to his eyes]
Zach: , he's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane: Forty?
Brian: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane: Excited.
Brian: He was our age when we were born.
Lane: He thinks we're great
Brian: There were no cd's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane: You want to stop the audition?
Brian: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Lane: I know.
Michel: Well, you know what happens when you assume.
Lorelai: What?
Michel: I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid American phrase.
Dave: What we need is a name.
Brian: I made my suggestion.
Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zach: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is too long.
Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.
Lorelai: I just broke up with someone.
Luke: Yeah.
Lorelai: We'd been dating for a few months now.
Luke: I figured there was someone in the picture.
Lorelai: You did? How?
Luke: Just clues. You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.
Rory: What's with the carrots?
Lorelai: I was afraid you weren't eating well at school.
Rory: Ohhh.
Lorelai: Marshmallow?
Luke: [Jess' beeper goes off when Luke visits him in his run-down apartment] What, are you a drug dealer now?
Rory: I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris, Madeline and Louise.
Lorelai: Really?
Rory: Paris has appointed herself as director.
Lorelai: Nice. What part are you playing?
Rory: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.
Lorelai: Screen tests?
Rory: 24 takes.
Lorelai: Ah, I so want a copy.
Rory: Forget it.
Lorelai: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'
Rory: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three.
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals.
Lorelai: And my bare butt to kiss?
Rory: If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes.
Luke: [Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew to see them] What are you doing?
Andrew: I have to ring them up.
Luke: I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $24.99.
Andrew: That high?
Luke: They're your prices!
Andrew: Can I just see the book?
Luke: I'm reading you the book. It says right here.
[looks at the price again]
Luke: Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $14.99.
Andrew: Will you just let me scan the book?
Luke: When you scan the book, do you see the title?
Andrew: Yes.
Luke: Then no.
Andrew: Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?
Luke: You sell porn?
Andrew: No!
Luke: You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
Andrew: I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
Luke: [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
Andrew: A hundred bucks? That's way too much!
Luke: Take it.
[he leaves, then comes back in]
Luke: Bag.
[Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]
Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?
Tobin: Michel, did you get a bagel?
Michel: I don't want a bagel.
Tobin: Are you sure? They're kosher.
Michel: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.
Sookie: Ew! Shut up!
Louise: It's just a contest, Paris. It's not like you get a car or a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni.
Madline: God, I love that stuff.
Rory: [Logan just called Rory his "girlfriend" for the first time] You OK over there? Do you need a glass of water or... a time machine?
[Luke has hired a new waiter]
Rory: Oh, my god.
Lorelai: What?
Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis.
Lorelai: And?
Rory: Ew!
Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad.
Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.
Lorelai: Ew!
Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
[At the Yale-Harvard football game]
Lorelai: Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?
Pennilyn Lott: Yes.
Lorelai: You're my almost-mommy.
Pennilyn Lott: Well, I supposed that's one way of putting it...
Lorelai: I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?
Rory: [when Rory, Paris, and Lane are all having relationship problems, Paris gets them each a cup of Miss Patty's alcoholic punch] Miss Patty's punch is used to clean tar off of construction sites.
Paris: So let it clean the tar off of our souls.
[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired]
Lorelai: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
Luke: What are butt napkins?
Lorelai: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.
Luke: Hey, Bren?
Brennon Lewis: Yeah, boss?
Luke: Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
Brennon Lewis: Yeah.
Luke: Don't.
Brennon Lewis: Okay.
Lorelai: You lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of 'you had me at hello'.
Lorelai: So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: Huh. I guess you are.
Lorelai: It's a lot of responsibility.
Rory: Well, sure.
Lorelai: I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
Rory: Neat. And coins.
Lorelai: Yeah, and coins. You know, someday you'll be the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: I don't like that idea!
Lorelai: Why not? You get a cape.
Rory: Because if I'm the Reigning Lorelai, then that means you'll be gone.
Lorelai: Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not going to pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.
Rory: I am scared of horses.
Lorelai: I know that.
Rory: So there's a cape, huh?
Lorelai: Are you going to kiss me now? You are so incredibly predictable.
Emily: Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening, and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past, but I want to make this very clear: you, young lady, your person and your existence, have never ever been, not even for a second, included in that list. Do you understand me?
[Lorelai and Luke are discussing Rory and her new boyfriend Dean]
Lorelai: I have to make her understand that I'm okay with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives - that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory.
Luke: Are you okay with the guy thing?
Lorelai: Yes.
Luke: Really?
Lorelai: Okay-ish.
Luke: That's not okay.
Lorelai: That's okay with an "ish."
Luke: Whatever you say.
Lorelai: What happened? The reception on the phone sucked. All I heard was "Rory" and "Chilton" and "Get down here." Whose butt do I have to kick?
Rory: We didn't go to breakfast.
Lorelai: What are you talking about?
Rory: We came here. They broke into the headmaster's office as the big initiation.
Lorelai: Ugh, those stupid girls.
Rory: Uh huh. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So, that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.
Lorelai: That's what you got busted for? That's it? Bell-ringing?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: Were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?
Rory: Mom.
Lorelai: No, I mean, "bad girl, how many times have I told you not to ring bells?"
Rory: [interrupting] Let's go.
Lorelai: [continuing] "They can dent, or scratch, and they make dogs go crazy. Who do you think you are, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French? Circular? I don't think so."
Rory: I'm walking to the car now.
Lorelai: [later] Was it a big bell at least?
Lorelai: Mom, Dad, look. I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and, that's good. Really good
Rory: Nothing but smiles.
Lorelai: We're both really happy about it.
Rory: Both.
Lorelai: Her and me.
Rory: She and I.
Lorelai: Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.
Rory: Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be, equally over the moon about the going to Yale.
Michel: [Sookie wants Michel to choose a cookie] I don't care.
Sookie: I just need a quick opinion!
Michel: It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care, that's as quick as I get.
Lorelai: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
Luke: That's right.
Lorelai: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
Luke: Only scarier.
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like "stop-eating-the-paste" special?
Marty: Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result.
[notices Anna]
Marty: Hey.
Rory: This is Anna.
Marty: [gasps excitedly] Did Paris move?
Paris: [from behind] I'm right here, Marty.
Marty: I know, Paris.
Marty: [Rory missed breakfast] Well, hey, you want some eggs or something? I always take enough for ten. I blame my brother. He always took the biggest piece of chicken.
Rory: And left you none?
Marty: No, there was plenty more. I just wanted the biggest piece.
Rory: Asher Flemming is dead.
Marty: In bed?
Rory: No
Marty: Damn, I lost the pool.
Marty: So, I just bartended this crazy brunch, with chocolate fountains and floating ice sculptures and I snagged us all kinds of hors d'oeuvres
Paris: Nice going, bucko.
Marty: Okay, so she didn't really mean nice going, right? 'Cause there's sort of a devil eye thing going on
Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
Michel: Are there 12?
Sookie: 12 what?
Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie: Or what?
Michel: What do you mean, or what?
Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel: This is a silly conversation.
Sookie: Would you die?
Michel: Just hand me the plate.
Sookie: Only if you don't count.
Michel: I won't count.
Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group.
Sookie: Nope.
Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
[Rory has just met Paul, a younger man Lorelai once dated "casually" because he came into Luke's with his parents]
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Nothing.
Lorelai: Say it!
Rory: I've always wanted a little brother.
Lorelai: He looked older the other night.
Rory: How much older could he possibly look?
Lorelai: A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.
Rory: He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
Lorelai: He's in his twenties.
Rory: He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.
Marty: [at Asher's wake, hands Rory a plastic cup] Root beer?
Rory: [takes the cup] Yeah. Thanks, Marty, for everything. You've been such a huge help tonight.
Marty: For you, anything.
Anna: [after Rory shooed away two college guys, whining] Rory!
Rory: Anna!
Anna: Well that's not fair. You get to talk to boys!
Rory: What?
Anna: You were over there, talking to Marty.
Rory: [laughs] That's different. Marty's just a friend. Which is another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends. Nothing romantic, just a good pal.
[Marty looks pained]
Rory: Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless the word "friendship" is tattooed on your butt. Now drink your coffee.
[they take a sip]
Rory: It's good, huh?
Marty: Okay. I remember something about Rome. Rome. Rome. Romans live there. Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there. It's the name of a B52s song.
Rory: Different Rome.
Marty: Okay. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid.
Richard: Focus, please.
Lorelai: I am a camera.
Tristan: And she's reading again. How novel.
Rory: Good-bye, Tristan.
Tristan: Did you get the novel thing? Because...
Rory: I said good-bye.
Tristan: What are you doing here?
Rory: I like lines.
Tristan: The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.
Rory: Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this?
Tristan: Unless of course there is no guy.
Rory: There's a guy
Tristan: A Cheap guy.
Rory: Well, what can I say? I like 'em cheap. Sloppy too - bald spot, beer gut, you know, and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof.
Tristan: So who is he?
Rory: How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in.
Tristan: Does he go to this school?
Rory: No, he doesn't.
Tristan: Uh-huh. Well, look, OK, I'll confess something to you. I don't have a date.
Rory: Well I hear Squeaky Fromme is up for parole soon. You should keep a good thought.
Michel: I feel like crap on toast.
Lorelai: How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?
Luke: Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.
Lorelai: Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."
Luke: Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.
[Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]
Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.
Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling.
Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?
Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me.
Lorelai: If only I had that power.
[At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony]
Lorelai: Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.
Luke: Nice to meet you.
Marilyn: You, too.
[pulls Lorelai aside]
Marilyn: Is he a gardener?
Lorelai: Um, no, he owns a diner.
Marilyn: Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.
Luke: Get out, Taylor.
Taylor: Why?
Luke: It's just a code I live by.
Emily: Obviously you have a maid.
Christopher: Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo.
Emily: Ah, how McDonald's of you.
[Jess is eating a sandwich at the dance marathon and Mrs. Kim walks up to him]
Mrs. Kim: Who are you?
Jess: I'm Jess... ma'am.
Lorelai: [reading a story on the back of a menu] Four hours later... Sniffy was dead. Sniffy was dead? Are you *serious*? Where's the happy ending?
Luke: That's what happened.
Lorelai: Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what *really* happened. They read the back of the menu to be *happy*. To be *uplifted*. That's why they read the back of the menu!
Luke: [alarm goes off] Sorry, I forgot to turn the alarm off.
Lorelai: Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.
[pause]
Lorelai: What time is it?
Luke: Early.
Lorelai: Hate early. Must kill early.
[pause]
Lorelai: Okay, gotta get up.
Luke: Why?
Lorelai: Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
Luke: [about Lorelei walking into the diner wearing only Luke's shirt] You wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: They usually include *pants*!
Lorelai: [after talking to her mother on her cell phone] *Your* fault.
Luke: How is that *my* fault?
Lorelai: Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered! Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.
Lorelai: Mom, it's just a pretend wedding. J-Lo has them all the time.
Lorelai: [at the town meeting, when everyone is talking about the bad things that Jess has done] I hear he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!
Colin: I'm Colin. And this is Finn. And you are?
Lorelai: Her mother.
Finn: My God, those are good genes.
Rory: [talking about Paris] Can you say crazy anal micromanager?
Lorelai: Not five times fast.
Lorelai: Oh, you're gonna have to walk faster than that. You're gonna have to turn into friggin' Flo Jo to get away from me.
Lorelai: Can I use the fun cutter thingy?
Luke: Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.
Lorelai: Please?
Luke: Cut the boxes, not your hands.
Lorelai: Good tip, you should teach!
Lorelai: My shoe broke! I need you to fix it!
Luke: Do I look like a cobbler to you?
Lorelai: If I say yes, will you fix it?
Mrs. Kim's Foriegn Exchange Student: What are we doing here?
Lane: I've tried to explain it to her but it is not working.
Rory: We are throwing my grandmother a bachelorette party.
Mrs. Kim's Foriegn Exchange Student: But She is Married.
Rory: Yeah, but, they are doing it again.
Mrs. Kim's Foriegn Exchange Student: but why?
Rory: Because, they want to tell each other they love each other all over again.
Mrs. Kim's Foriegn Exchange Student: But why?
Rory: 'cause they do.
Mrs. Kim's Foriegn Exchange Student: But why?
Rory: Because its fun.
Mrs. Kim's Foriegn Exchange Student: But why?
Rory: Because,
[looks at Lane]
Lane: Hey, you even lasted one more "but why" than I did.
Finn: Good morning, New Haven! My, you look lovely this morning!
Man in apartment: Shut up!
Paris: Maybe I shouldn't go. I mean, what if I fall for him and he doesn't like me?
Rory: Then you'll find someone else.
Paris: But what if there is no one else?
Rory: Then you'll buy some cats. Finn: God has spoken to me... rather rudely.
Luke: I'm different, I'm a loner.
Lorelai: Oh no. No no. I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner.
Luke: Some guys are just naturally loners.
Lorelai: Yes, lonely guys.
Luke: Independent guys.
Lorelai: Sad guys.
Luke: Maverick guys.
Lorelai: Lee Harvey Oswald.
Luke: John Muir.
Lorelai: The unabomber.
Luke: Henry David Thoreau
Lorelai: Every one of these sad and lonely guys.